Are you worried about how your behaviour
is affecting your children or have you seen your own behaviour in your kids?
Are you feeling bad about some things
you’ve said or done to your partner?
Are you worried that she might leave you?
Or, has she already left you and you’re
worried she won’t come back?
are worried, ask yourself these few important questions:
- Do you
often call your partner names and constantly criticize them?
you ever tried to stop your partner doing something that they wanted to do? (For example, going out with friends, having a job, doing some study).
- Do you
take control of the finances, so your partner is not allowed to have money for
their own personal use?
you ever threatened to hit or throw something at your partner?
you ever unfairly accused your partner of paying too much attention to someone
you ever slapped, hit, pushed or shoved your partner?
you ever pressured your partner to have sex when they did not want to?
you have made a concrete decision to change your behaviour, you have taken an
important step. You have just made it over the first difficult hurdle! You’ve
shown a great deal of courage to get this far.
want your relationship with your partner and children to be without fear and
violence, here are some ideas to start with:
most important thing is to remove fear from the relationship. You cannot
resolve those other issues until your partner feels safe to discuss them with
may want to blame others for what is happening to you. This is not going to
help you. Focus on what you can do differently, NOT what you want other people
to do differently.
change takes time. If your partner and children are scared of you, it will take
considerable time before they recognise the change in you and begin to feel
safe. Accept that this cannot be rushed or achieved overnight.
men who are abusive to their partners describe feeling angry and needing to
stay in control, even when they’re not around their partner. If this is
happening to you, then you know how uncomfortable, exhausting and terrible this
people think that men who have behaved in violent and aggressive ways must be
mentally ill or ‘crazy’. Sometimes the men themselves think this. Most men are
not violent or controlling outside the home. They choose when, where and how
they are violent or abusive.
WE ALL HAVE CHOICES
who have been violent to their partners may describe themselves as being ‘out
of control’ when the violence happens. You have a lot more control over your
behaviour than you might think. In the heat of the moment, you may not be aware
of the choices you make, but you still make them. You choose the way you speak
and act with other people. Even when you are very angry or distressed, the
choice is still there to be abusive or to find another way to deal with the
you are feeling highly distressed or maybe completely overwhelmed by your
feelings then it is a high-risk time for violence.
taking extended time out from the situation. Going away to stay with a friend
can help. You may feel like taking some time off work. Taking this time off may
be hard to organise, but remember there is nothing more important right now
than looking after yourself. This will give you time to think about your
behaviour and how it is affecting your family.
- If you
find yourself wanting to hurt your partner by criticising her or by using cruel
and hurtful words in a way that you know will hurt – STOP!
- Take 5
slow deep breaths – THINK!
- Do I
want to hurt the person who matters most to me? – FOCUS!
control myself, not her.
If violence in relationships is ignored,
things keep getting worse. Sooner or later it happens again … and
couples in intimate relationships disagree about things and fight.
Disagreements are a part of normal, healthy relationships. Problems arise if
one partner feels too threatened or scared to have their say. When this
happens, the balance of power is no longer equal.
Alcohol, drugs and violence
men believe they only become violent after they’ve been drinking or using
drugs. However, this doesn’t mean that alcohol or drugs cause the violence. It
just makes it easier to avoid taking responsibility for the violence.
behavior happens even when you are not under the influence. There are also many
men who enjoy drinking and are never violent. If you think you drink too much
or you have a problem with alcohol or other drugs, then you need to realise
that this is a separate problem to your violence. You need to get help for both
ability to face daily challenges may be affected if our personal relationships
are not strong and supportive. Strong and supportive relationships will help
you enjoy a good overall quality of life.
more information you can go to the category ‘programs’ of our website.
The above text is taken from the
self-help booklet for men who want to change “How to deal with Domestic
Violence”, “Freedom from Fear” Campaign, Government of Western Australia –
Department of Child Protection.